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How Tough is Chuck Norris

by admin last modified Aug 19, 2023 05:15 PM
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There are many collections of these things scattered around the web. I can't resist selecting my favorites. Order matters.

(See Amusements for more fun stuff. Some other favorites: Yoga Champion and Optical Delusion.)

How Badass is Chuck Norris?

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris spelled backwards is Chuck Norris.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the Element of Surprise.

Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - except for the definition of mercy.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack... even a heart isn't foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. Chuck Norris waits.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper inside it.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who Chuck Norris is.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital....

... And God said, "Let there be light"!
And Chuck Norris said, "Say please."

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris pisses his name in concrete.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse - horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons consisting of two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called "Nun Barrys". No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

Satan went down to the crossroads and sold his soul to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris thought it was too salty.

Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly, all this has resulted in is Chuck Norris looking for candy after he roundhouse kicks someone.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Chuck Norris can breathe in and out at the same time.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris' sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Chuck Norris is starring in the sequel to "Four Weddings and a Funeral".  It's called "Four Funerals and a Funeral".

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.

Chuck Norris can text from a pay phone.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris once delivered a roundhouse kick to the eye... of a hurricane. Today this is known as widely scattered showers.

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Some people can do a lot of push-ups. Chuck Norris can do them all.

Chuck Norris is so tough he eats coal and shits diamonds.

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked Neo out of Zion. Now Neo is "The Two".

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

The world population divides into two groups, those who fear Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself.  And Chuck Norris."

Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term "Virgin Mary" he laughs out loud.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question - just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear condoms because there is no protection against Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour and a half someone constructed a bar around him. He ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found 'em!"

A few of the above were contributed by visitors. Unfortunately, spam escalation meant I had to disable comments. Aargh!

See Amusements for other fun stuff. Current favorites: Optical Delusion and Yoga Champion.

... --Fri, 09 Jun 2006 16:52:33 -0400 reply

Chuck Norris never eats eggs, only omelettes.

Chuck Norris --Mon, 08 Oct 2007 14:29:38 -0400 reply

When Chuck Norris makes love he makes love make him a steak

... --Fri, 24 Oct 2008 09:16:32 -0400 reply

Chuck Norris is so tough that even at the age he is and like many others his age........ HE IS STILL AROUND ON TV!!!!

... --Tue, 28 Oct 2008 17:11:02 -0400 reply

chuck norris is so tough he can roundhouse kick a fart back into his ass

chuck norris is so tough that his penis has an elbow

... --Wed, 11 Mar 2009 16:30:41 -0500 reply

Chuck Norris is so tough that when he has diarrhea California issues a mud slide emergency.

... --Sun, 02 Aug 2009 00:49:04 -0500 reply

Chuck Norris once had a "who has more testicles" contest with Lance Armstrong. Chuck Norris won by five.

... --Thu, 24 Sep 2009 16:32:07 -0500 reply

Chuck Norris is so tough, he laughs when 42,000 people a year die because they don't have health insurance.

... --Sat, 30 Jan 2010 18:38:30 -0600 reply

Chuck Norris doesn't have a 'Control' button on his keyboard because he's always in control.

Chuck Norris does not teabag people, he potato sacks them. --Tue, 20 Apr 2010 10:35:57 -0500 reply

... --Sat, 18 Sep 2010 10:40:10 -0500 reply

Chuck Norris is so tough he eats coal and sh*ts diamonds

... --Fri, 01 Oct 2010 19:50:32 -0500 reply

Chuck Norris is so cool he can text from a pay phone

added --klmplus, Sat, 02 Oct 2010 00:34:02 -0500 reply

> Chuck Norris is so cool he can text from a pay phone


tough chuck --Fri, 22 Oct 2010 08:04:22 -0500 reply

Chuck Norris is so tough that when he was in school, he made sentences diagram themselves.

... --Mon, 06 Dec 2010 13:10:56 -0600 reply

Chuck norris is so tough when he does press ups he actually pushes the earth down

... --Mon, 06 Dec 2010 13:13:26 -0600 reply

Chuck norris doesn't swim, he beats up the water and takes him where ever he wants to go.

dulls chainsaws --Mon, 20 Dec 2010 09:36:47 -0600 reply

Chuck Norris is so tough, he dulls chainsaws - WHEN HE SHAVES.

chuck butter --Sun, 16 Jan 2011 20:31:07 -0600 reply

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter, he roundhouse kicks the cow and the butter just falls out.

bullet chuck --Sun, 16 Jan 2011 20:33:20 -0600 reply

Chuck Norris doesn't need a bullet proof vest, cause the bullets are affraid to hit him.

the norris exercise --Sun, 16 Jan 2011 20:35:19 -0600 reply

Chuck Norris is so tough he doesn't do push ups, he does earth downs.

so tough --Sun, 13 Mar 2011 20:34:31 -0500 reply

Chuck Norris is so tough he can blow bubbles with Now or Laters.

Document Actions
Anonymous says:
Nov 17, 2011 05:07 PM
Earthquakes have Chuck Norris preparedness drills
Shark Discovery Channel has Chuck Norris week
Moby Dick wrote a book called Chuck Norris
In Chuck Norris’s physics there is no uncertainty principle. Ever.
Norris’s Second Law of Motion: A body at rest tends to stay at rest unless acted upon by Chuck Norris
Christians believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris
Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father. Chuck Norris is Darth Vader’s father.
Satan went down to the crossroads and sold his soul to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris thought it was too salty.
Ken Manheimer says:
Nov 17, 2011 05:16 PM
Yay - I've incorporated the last.
big chuq says:
Nov 21, 2011 06:50 AM
When Chuck Norris uses an elevator he doesnt go up, the building moves down.
kevin says:
Nov 28, 2011 02:59 PM
Coca-cola's secret ingredient is Chuck Norris' approval
Joe Cross says:
Dec 12, 2011 07:26 AM
Chuck Norris is starring in the sequel to "Four Weddings and a Funeral". It's called "Four Funerals and a Funeral".
Ken Manheimer says:
Dec 15, 2011 06:12 PM
Bob says:
Dec 15, 2011 04:16 PM
Chuck Norris is so tuff that under his beard is another fist.
Ken Manheimer says:
Dec 15, 2011 06:12 PM
A very similar one is already there...
Tommy says:
Jan 09, 2012 02:55 PM
Chuck Norris once had a contest to see who could hold their breath underwater longer - the water had to come up for air first.
Ken Manheimer says:
Apr 25, 2012 07:15 PM
That's similar to one of my favorites, above: When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Anonymous says:
Jan 23, 2012 10:44 PM
Chuck norris is so tough, he can make onions cry!
Chuck Norris says:
Apr 25, 2012 06:55 PM
Im so tough i eat nails and shit barbwire
Breyana says:
Jul 19, 2012 11:42 PM
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f**k down!!!
Dave says:
Aug 24, 2012 11:53 AM
Chuck Norris is so tough he uses everclear for bong water
Anonymous says:
Aug 01, 2014 03:52 PM
Chuck Norris thought it would be funny to piss in the fuel tank of an 18 wheeler. That 18 wheeler is now known as Optimus Prime
dougman says:
Oct 26, 2014 01:22 AM
Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker with Pokemon cards