Amusements

    Funny, feeble, and farfetched stuff.

    Contained Pages

    How Tough is Chuck Norris
    Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
    Optical Delusion
    If you maintain a steady gaze on this image for more than half a minute you will be able to clearly see a giraffe. Anyone can do it. Concentrate!
    Yoga Champion
    MONK GLOATS OVER YOGA CHAMPIONSHIP "I am the serenest!" he says
    Who's On First?
    The classic, classic burlesque sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello.
    The Exam
    ... EXTRA CREDIT: Define the universe; give three examples.
    Bunny Burgers
    A SPECIAL, INANELY ELABORATE SPY (defunct satire magazine) EASTER PRANK
    Awful Similies
    "The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."
    Deepish Thoughts
    From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey
    JP Sartre Cookbook
    We have been lucky to discover several previously lost diaries of French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre stuck in between the cushions of our office sofa. These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but with food...
    Tables Turned
    This just in from Mars: "The openly heterosexual former football player, O.J. Simpson, was arrested today and charged with the murder of his former wife and her companion. The arrest sent shock waves throughout the heterosexual community, as one of its most popular icons revived old stereotypes that surround the heterosexual lifestyle. 'Wife-beating is not equivalent to being heterosexual,' said Joe Eightpack, a spokesman for the Straight Alliance Against Defamation." ...
    Poor Wording
    Advertisements and other official copy gone awry
    Accident Reports
    Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
    Men and Women
    A little story about men and women
    Cross Examination
    Practicing law.
    Cartoon Character Tag Lines
    Branded whimsy, with a strong dose of nostalgia
    A small selection of Steven Wright jokes
    I am in awe of Steven Wright's ability to craft pithy jokes. They walk the line between sense an nonsense so adroitly that I often have time to notice that complex moment after the joke has been delivered but I haven't yet gotten it.

    Pithy Remarks

    • By the time their number had dwindled from fifty to eight the other dwarves had begun to suspect Hungry.
    • Reporter: Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western civilization?
      Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
    • "Bother," said the Borg, "We've assimilated Pooh."
    • Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
    • I was trying to make a yoga pun but it was not working out. I know, I know – it's kind of a stretch. -- Jack
    • What did the guy who invented the knock-knock joke get?
      The No-Bell prize. -- Jack again
    • It's frog-soup night, and two frogs are thrown into a pot of water. One screams, "Help! Help! Let me out of here!". The second gasps and exclaims, "Oh my god, a talking frog!"
    • Stigler's Law of eponymy states that no scientific discovery is named after its original discoverer. Stigler himself identified the sociologist Robert K. Merton as the discoverer of this law. (-:
    • A self-addressed envelope would be addressed "Envelope". -- Steven Wright, a master of the edge of sense.
    • Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? -- George Carlin
    • What if it's unlucky to be superstitious?
    • Two termites walk into a bar. One says to the other, "Hey is the bar tender here?"
    • A little girl goes into a pet shop and asks for a wabbit. The shop keeper looks down at her, smiles and says, "Would you like a lovely fluffy little white rabbit, or a cutesy wootesy little brown rabbit?" "Actually", says the little girl, "I don't think my python would notice." (python.org humor)
    • Two muffins are sitting in an oven, baking. One says to the other, "sure is hot in here, huh?" and the other exclaims, "Oh my god, a talking muffin! (Where have I heard this before?)
    • To do is to be. - Descartes
      To be is to do. - Voltaire
      Doo be doo be doo. - Frank Sinatra
    • A Zen monk walks up to a hotdog vendor and says "make me one with everything everything."

      • [that's the commonly known part - there's a lesser-known follow-on...]
      The monk gets the hot dog and pays with a ten.
      After several moments waiting, he says to the vendor, "I was expecting change!"
      The vendor replies, "You of all people should know, change comes from within."

    • My favorite tombstone:

    • Mother to the kids in the pool: Enough fighting! Each of you take one half of the pool and stay there!
      Quicker-witted kid: I get the top half!