Deepish Thoughts
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" - i'm not sure i believe some of the ages, though.
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Age 10
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. Age 15
Home is where the house is. Age 6
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Age 5
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age 13
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? Age 15
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. Age 15
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