Tables Turned

From Usenet rec.humor.funny, many years ago:

This just in from Mars: "The openly heterosexual former football player, O.J. Simpson, was arrested today and charged with the murder of his former wife and her companion. The arrest sent shock waves throughout the heterosexual community, as one of its most popular icons revived old stereotypes that surround the heterosexual lifestyle. 'Wife-beating is not equivalent to being heterosexual,' said Joe Eightpack, a spokesman for the Straight Alliance Against Defamation. 'While it's true that some heterosexuals engage in spousal abuse, it's still no more common among straights than among gays.'

But opponents of heterosexual rights seized on the incident. 'Every year, hundreds of thousands of women are victims of this immoral subculture,' said the Rev. Donald Gaylord, spokesman for the Concerned Homosexuals of America. 'There appears to have been a heterosexual ring in Los Angeles, including the police force, that covered up this depraved activity for years. I'm particularly concerned about saving our children from this kind of example.'

Statistics suggest a large minority of heterosexual males are involved in some kind of domestic violence; one in four heterosexual relationships involves violence, with 2 million to 4 million women affected each year. Researchers who claim that heterosexuality is a choice and not, as some believe, involuntary, argue that this makes it even more important not to give social sanction to the activity. 'It's not heterosexuals as such that we're opposed to,' argues Gaylord. 'It's their self-destructive lifestyle.'