How Tough is Chuck Norris

How Badass is Chuck Norris?

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

The world population divides into two groups: those who fear Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

When Chuck Norris swims, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his implacable rage.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. Chuck Norris waits.

Chuck Norris spelled backwards is Chuck Norris.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn on the lights, he turns off the dark.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the Element of Surprise.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - except for the definition of mercy.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. Even a heart isn't foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper inside it.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline and a baseball bat.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who Chuck Norris is.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

And God said "Let there be light". And Chuck Norris said "Say please."

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris pisses his name in concrete.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse - horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park.
Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children.
Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons consisting of two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called "Nun Barrys". No one knows what happened to Barry.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly, all this has resulted in is Chuck Norris looking for candy after he roundhouse kicks someone.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Chuck Norris can breathe in and out at the same time.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris' sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Chuck Norris is starring in the sequel to "Four Weddings and a Funeral".  It's called "Four Funerals and a Funeral".

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.

Chuck Norris can text from a pay phone.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris once delivered a roundhouse kick to the eye... of a hurricane. Today this is known as widely scattered showers.

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Some people can do a lot of push-ups. Chuck Norris can do them all.

Chuck Norris is so tough he eats coal and shits diamonds.

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked Neo out of Zion. Now Neo is "The Two".

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself.  And Chuck Norris."

Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term "Virgin Mary" he laughs out loud.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question - just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear condoms because there is no protection against Chuck Norris.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour and a half someone constructed a bar around him. He ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found 'em!"

A few of the above were contributed by visitors. Unfortunately, due to spam escalation I had to disable comments. Aargh!

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